Killing With Kindness
You hear this every so often. Honestly, I've not heard this adage in a long time. I'm bringing this up because this past week, I was tested in my life to do exactly that: kill them kindness. Two weeks ago, my boss informed me that my direct reports would no longer be working for me. They will be reporting to him, and 80% of my responsibilities would be going to those direct reports. He totally blinded-sided me with the revelation. I totally shut down upon hearing this news. I heard nothing else he said afterward: I was being put on a task force to look at lower emissions to meet the administration's climate targets. This is a good thing, but all I heard was that everything that mattered to me was being taken away.
For one and half weeks, I walked around like a zombie at work and at home, scared that they were trying to find a way to push me out. I'm sure this is a concern to many when we start to get closer to retirement. I reached out to my wife, a few friends, and my Abbott at the Houston Zen Center. I heard everything from:
"What if this was happening for you instead of to you?"
"Honey, you are going to have to let go of your ego."
"I'm not sure of what's going on at your job but regardless, you have everything that you need." This statement was made by my Abbott. This statement resonated pretty loudly with me. It's hard to see what you have and always show gratitude at the moment.
"Sometimes we must love thy enemy or, you know, kill them with kindness," he said, smiling, "You are a senior person here, and much is expected out of you. Even when you feel that you've been treated unfairly, the company is expecting you to rise above it. Plus, the company will see why everyone respects you so much." This conversation blew me away.
I meditated every morning like always, wrote in my journal, and I eventually started putting everything together. Everybody was right. There was so much tension between my boss and me and my direct reports that I felt stifled. The more and more I processed everyone's words, the more I realized that I have everything I need regardless of what happens. If I have everything I need then it is okay to lose something, but how do I 'kill them kindness.' You show love. You show as much love as you possibly can. As the Buddha said, you must act with a heart of limitless compassion. This all came together sitting on the mediation cushion. The timing was perfect because I had an 8 am meeting with my boss that morning.
I asked him if we could talk openly and honestly. He leaned back in his seat, replying yes. I leaned forward and said, "I love you, man." This feeling of calmness rushed over me such that I repeated it. "I love you." My boss was leaning forward now with his elbows on the desk, his hands cupping his face. He was speechless. I saw in his eyes and posture that the walls were coming down. Being vulnerable opened us to talk for three hours. He apologized for the way he communicated the changes. Everything is fine now.